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Carla's Blog

Indirect Boundaries, the boundaries you aren't aware of.

Posted on September 8, 2019 at 11:50 PM

When we talk about boundaries most people think about how another person can violate or disrespect another whether it’s through some sort of intentional verbal, emotional or physical abuse. I see these all as direct boundary violations. So I wanted to address a different side to boundaries. Indirect boundary violations. These are the boundaries that have been violated without you knowing it. It’s generally such a subtle violation that you are left looking back on an event that hurt you but you don’t know why you feel hurt.

Here’s an example. A husband comes home from work and rather than going to kiss his wife first he goes and great the family pet first or maybe chooses to only kiss her after he’s gone to have a shower. To the wife she may feel like she is second priority and not the first person he wants to connect with when he gets home. To him it’s no big deal, the dog ran to the door first and he just wants to be clean before kissing his wife. He didn’t directly do anything towards her in this case it was what he didn’t do.

Now let’s assume for a moment that his wife is this case was someone who was raising in a family where love and connection was often withdrawn or withheld from her? Every time her Father was angry at her He would stop talking to her for days, or her Mother often made her feel as though she worthy of Love and attention. From her perspective this withdrawal of connection and attention would be a painful relapse to her childhood. Therefore, withdrawal would be one of her biggest boundary violations. Without her knowing herself and even more so without her Husband knowing about this indirect violation of HER boundaries, both parties could end up resenting each other without knowing why.


So I’m going to open my heart to you the reader. Withdrawal of support and connection just so happens to be one of my personal boundaries. I offer support and connection to those I allow to get close to me. My mother would often stop talking to me for days even months if she was upset with me. Therefore, I associate withdrawal as a form of punishment. Recently, I asked a friend to like my business page and she outright refused, says she doesn’t believe in what I do. OK! As you can imagine this felt like a knife cut right through me especially because I really felt like I could trust her to support me, her withdrawal felt like punishment to me. Which in her reality was no big deal, and I had to honor her for honoring her own boundaries but will I ever allow her the opportunity to violate that boundary I have of withdrawal again? NO WAY! Interestingly growing up I used to even use withdrawal as a form of punishment towards myself. I would neglect my own needs in my seeking approval from others. I managed to overcome this conditioning over years of inner work. I still get tested once in a while especially within this industry you’d be surprised how many abusive people have the urge to share their religious views with me privately but being a highly conscious being I nip it in the butt very quickly and I’ve learnt to treat it like water off a duck’s back. Imagine how this could affect someone who isn’t very self-aware? They’re going about life completely clueless to what their own boundaries are.

Your feelings are your guidance system in regards to knowing if your boundaries have been stepped on. If you are constantly checking in with yourself and asking yourself why am I feeling hurt in this situation? What is it about this situation that made me feel hurt? When was the very first time I first felt this feeling? You may just realize that some of the boundaries that you have been allowing to be violated are boundaries you’ve had since childhood but because you’ve consistently abandoned yourself and allowed those personal boundaries to be violated you’ve lost sight of when they first began. Then you could be misled to think that it’s your partner doing it to you on purpose.

Remember that boundaries are constantly evolving. Your job is to know and understand your boundaries so that you can clearly articulate them with confidence to those around you.

By Carla Savannah

Categories: Self Development

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